fragileheart's journal

Whenever something doesn’t turn out the way I expected it to; I try not to wallow in self pity or get angry or allow myself to spend too much time with any negative emotions. I’m not afraid of them, I just think it’s a waste of time and energy. I understand that these negative emotions are a part of human nature, they’re inevitable. I don’t try to fight them, I just don’t want them taking over my life. When I was a child, and then a tween and finally a teen and even when I was a young adult – I let it take over my life all the time. I had such a short fuse, it was a wonder I never ran out of fuses and just stayed blown out.

There was no exact moment that made it change. But there were obvious factors. One was the Irish boy, and being in Ireland all together. I never quite understood it because he had a very short fuze himself¹ but he had a way of calming me down. Despite all of our differences and problems, he centered me in a way I still can’t explain. Maybe that’s why I was so in love with him or maybe because I was so in love with him he centered me. I’ll never know and I’m ok with that. Either way, I’m grateful to have known him and grateful to have had a chance to live in Dublin where I learned to relax². Without this ability, I may not be half as happy as I am these days.

Speaking of moving countries that helped in my personal development: I lived in Dubai from age 4 to 16. I went to a Private school. A Private Catholic school. In a muslim country. Can you say repressed? I wasn’t allowed to. So what did I do? I hiked up my skirt³ and unbuttoned my blouse too low. I skipped classes and talked to all the boys and got C’s and D’s in everything but English & Art. I was on the fast track to becoming someone’s baby mama; ok maybe not. I only ever slept with one person while I was there, and he was my first love. But miraculously when we moved to Canada I was reborn. It was as-if passing over the Atlantic Ocean erased everything and gave me new life. I got As. I got involved in school. I uh.. was prom queen⁴. Needless to say, I am thankful that my parents moved us from Dubai to Toronto⁵.

Broken hearts. I’ve had my share of broken hearts and I’ve dealt my fair share as well. You don’t take on a moniker like ‘fragileheart’ without knowing a thing or two about fragile hearts. The most recent broken heart and the one that seems to really have turned my world upside down in a way I never imagined anything could, was an unexpected mind-fuck. I let my guard down to the one person I really shouldn’t have. I had been so wary of openly trusting someone with my heart since my first love. But he got me at the right time; I had just broken the heart of someone I loved more than anything in the world⁶ and was in a foolish mood to throw caution to the wind. So throw I did.

And advantage, he did take. I don’t blame him though. I am my own person. I let him in and I he walked away with a lot more than just my ability to trust. But I am still thankful for the experience because it is the hardest lesson I have yet to learn in this seemingly hap-hazard, carefree life I have led to date. I have since learnt to slow down and it would appear that it is just in the nick of time. I’m finally learning to be on my own; I am learning to be more independent than I was before but simultaneously learning how to treasure girlfriends. So I’m thankful that I met him. Mind you, I’m also thankful that I no longer have him in my life but that’s neither here nor there⁷

Everything happens for a reason. These are only some of examples from my life that I truly am thankful for. It goes without saying that I am grateful for my family. I don’t know what I would do without my Dad, Mum & brother but that’s a whole other post and I think I’m going to save that for next year⁸.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Footnotes:

1. two short fuzes, and we wondered why we fought so much?[↩]
2. and not be so anal, so ‘Monica’[↩]
3. a little more, show your world to me[↩]
4. I’m not *always* proud to admit this one[↩]
5. not just Canada[↩]
6. despite all our differences – The Irish boy; though he’d never believe these words[↩]
7. it’s somewhere else? ;P[↩]
8. my 30th thanksgiving[↩]

I’ve been afraid to write about it because I know that some of the things I want to say about it are wrong in their eyes. But I’m tired of it. I want to say my piece. I want my side to be heard. Then again, it’s not like any of the ones who mattered to me would be reading this. I could name them but that would violate their privacy. I saw photos of a wedding I would have been at if the Irish boy and I hadn’t broken up in October.

I got teary eyed staring at all the beautiful people I once called friends. And while I know I only have myself to blame for no longer being able to do so, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss them all. Dearly. The Bride was practically my best friend while I was living in Ireland. She is the warmest soul, and the sweetest heart. I would aspire to be like her; in every way¹.

Maybe it was never about the cheating, but the lying². People who know me may think I’m confident but I am human; I have insecurities too. This is my excuse for the lying. The fear of what would happen if I told someone the truth. It took a while, but I’m more comfortable with my truths now. Though the real test would be if I were able to stick to my truths when I start to have romantic feelings for somebody. For all of the relationships I’ve had, I feel like that’ll be the hardest hurdle yet. I know the logic behind it, but that doesn’t help me when I’m in the situation. The emotions are too strong to stay logical.

Going back to the Irish boy. I do miss having him in my life but I feel like it might be too soon for both of us. I know he had said once, soon after we broke up, that he wanted to keep me in his life but I think that was his heartbroken emotions talking. I’m sure he just full out hates me now. Or maybe it’s easier for me to think so. I know I committed the crimes, but that doesn’t make me any less heartbroken at the loss.

But this is my healing, pouring this out like this. If I don’t face it, it’ll stay buried. And all wounds, need oxygen to heal.

Patience.

Footnotes:

1. and especially in the way that I know matters most to the Irish boy[↩]
2. though we don’t talk, so I’m just speculating[↩]

Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer¹. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.

I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is², which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake;  I was disappointed with camping for so many reasons³, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature⁴ as I so long to do right now.

I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.

After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio⁵ but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again⁶. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.

How you find balance in your life?

Footnotes:

1. and I really kind of miss it[↩]
2. it’s a cycle[↩]
3. we didn’t rough it as much as I was hoping to[↩]
4. and myself; my thoughts[↩]
5. which used to be listed on this main domain[↩]
6. not right now of course, soon…[↩]

As you can see from the little section on the sidebar on the right, I’m currently reading The Timetravellers Wife. There was a part that described a street with stores that reminded me of Grafton Street in Dublin. And I was engulfed in nostalgia, then fondness, some sadness and then just complete regret. It was hard to ignore, to avoid, to stop feeling said regret.

I loved walking along Grafton Street, even if I never bought anything more than some groceries at Marks & Spencers. And now more than ever, I feel like I could really use a long wander around that area. Though I have a feeling it has to do with much more than the area. There was a feeling of wholeness, of satisfaction, of belonging that I once felt and I think, more than anything, I miss that.

But I also know that it was just that feeling that I miss. I don’t necessarily miss being with my ex. There are many reasons we weren’t right for each other that I’d really rather not get into. Despite how it all ended, I still feel¹ I still wanted him to be the one more than he wanted me to be the one. It felt like he was settling for me even when he told me² that he had my ring picked out. And even more so when he didn’t put up a fight.

I suppose I can’t blame him. He and I have different views on cheating. This is the guy who expected me to not have slept with anyone while we were broken up in 05/06. I don’t blame him for my actions. But I do wonder why even though he had broken my heart a kazillion times, I still kept in touch with him but now he can’t even be friends with me. Or maybe after my recent “adventures” I know exactly why.

Footnotes:

1. for the most part[↩]
2. as we were breaking up[↩]

As I was catching up on some blogs, something that Rachel said a little while ago really made me realise just how early on I¹ should have realised that it wasn’t going to work or that things were starting to fail. Scheduling a weekly skype night seems to make so much sense right now. How did either of us expect that our love would really survive the long distance for such a long time without making each other an actual priority? Simply ‘knowing’ that the other was a priority without really making the effort to do something as simple as scheduling a night to talk and catch up, is just asking for trouble.

Not that it was the single cause but it certainly would have been a good starting point. After that, maybe facing the fear of pissing each other off and fighting would have been another good step. Though that’s a difficult one; we started off fighting. I thought he hated me because his friends hated me. And then there were trust issues… so we started by fighting and it was understandable that neither of us wanted to fight over the long distance.

I know this could be an unhealthy exercise… looking back on why it fell apart² and what could have saved it. But I think it’s a necessary exercise, so long as I put it away after this. And if I’m being honest? I don’t remember why I insisted so much that we were meant to be together other than I just ‘knew’. Yes, he made me laugh. But for the most part… me made me feel like shit about myself. He judged me because his friends judged me.  Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t out right abuse me 24/7. He was very sweet to me³. And our interests did align, because I forced it to do so. It wasn’t until I moved to Dublin that he really turned around and started treating me the way I knew he could have treated me all along. I was in heaven.

I was devastated when I had to move back to Toronto, but I was optimistic because of how great everything was going. But even 9 months of a perfect relationship doesn’t just heal the past⁴. And the rest is history really. At least for now.

Footnotes:

1. we[↩]
2. especially when some would argue that the only reason it fell apart is because I cheated. I won’t argue, but I have to be realistic[↩]
3. in private quarters[↩]
4. unless the past issues were discussed and the air was cleared – which it wasn’t[↩]