fragileheart's journal

Finally, someone put this oh-so-valuable information into a fun and easy to follow¹. Fat doesn’t make you fat. Carbs do. Found on facebook. Click on the image for enlargement goodness. If only it were that easy in real life, huh?

Thank you, Andrej!

Footnotes:

1. at least I think so[↩]

Will I ever love again? It’s a question that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s the question that led me to go on my mancation¹.

The honest answer right now is: I simply don’t know.

I find myself avoiding thinking about things that have happened². It’s unlike me. The moniker fragileheart wasn’t coined because I wanted people to walk on eggshells with me. It’s supposed to remind me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I like to feel things because it makes me feel alive. Finding myself running away from memories that make me smile is a little unnerving.

I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a real relationship that I don’t know that I’ll ever manage to maintain one again. My last real, meaningful, mutually respectful relationship ended in 2004. Everything else after that I consider a mess. Yes, even my relationship with the Irish boy³.

Then again, I’ve gotten better at maintaining deeper and more meaningful friendships and I think that every good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship so maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Oh whatever. Maybe you⁴ were right; what was it that you said, sir? Something along the lines of, “You’d make a great mistress [but not a wife]“. And yes, I still think about it to this day.

Sometimes, you just need to blog things out loud.

Footnotes:

1. vacation from men, and more importantly – meaningless sex[↩]
2. like NYE[↩]
3. that was probably the biggest mess[↩]
4. I don’t even know if you read my blog[↩]

It has been a journey to say the least. The last few months have been a wonderful whirlwind of ups, downs and important lessons and realizations. I think the one lesson that I didn’t expect to learn after all this is that despite being able to adapt to my surroundings extremely well -how much my bearings are affected if I don’t have a proper place to sleep.

For the last three months I have been sleeping on my Ikea love-seat because I couldn’t sleep on my bed¹ until three nights ago. Depending on what way you look at it, you could say it cost me a lot but I don’t think placing blame on circumstance does me any good so it just is what it was: a learning experience. Heck, it didn’t kill me right?

30 years. As of some time in the late evening on November 7th, the cells and whatever spirit that make up this girl right here would have been alive for 30 years. I’ll admit there is a part of me that feels like a bit of a disappointment but then there’s another part of me that knows that my life is only just beginning so long as I allow myself the chance at said beginning.

Live each day as if it were your last. Someone great said that to me recently as we were walking the 6.5kms to my new home² at 4am. By the way, don’t let the knowledge of this act taint your image of bohunkCA; he was the perfect jerk as always – and yes ladies, he was totally topless the whole way there

I want to make an art out of living life, where I find joy in every little moment of every day – regardless of what is going on at the time. Growing up, I had never really paid much attention to the things that really made my heart soar. I knew the obvious things like music³, food, love, and sex… all those self-indulgent sort of things. But now I’m paying more attention to how happy it makes me to be around people like my family and closest friends⁴.

I know I have lot of work to do up ahead of me but I do think I am up to the task. It feels strange to say that I have never really felt this ready before but I guess I’m just done being afraid. I’m still in the process of getting my life back but I have no doubt that whatever is coming next is going to be amazing. It’s been amazing even when it should have been horrible so how could it not?!

I want to know though: did you love or hate turning 30?

Footnotes:

1. I really don’t want to say it, don’t make me say it: I had bed bugs[↩]
2. it was so old school I couldn’t resist but agree to walk home with him[↩]
3. specifically singing[↩]
4. the ones who have stuck by me no matter what fucked up shit I’ve done – you know who you are[↩]

I’m so incredibly grateful for so much in my life and I hope I say it enough to those that I should be saying it to:

The girls and I at #loserkaraoke before Tequila Sunrise closed down.

He’s a talented man.

• I have my Mum, Dad and brother living in the same city as I am and that we don’t hate each other so much that we can’t stand to be around each other. I’m grateful that we still get on each other’s nerves sometimes because it just means we still care.
• Priceless friends like Jackie and Sibel who don’t live anywhere near me but always seem to message me exactly when I just need to hear from someone who cares. I’m grateful for the unwavering love and lack of judgement I receive from you two.
• On that note, I’m also grateful for Christine, Ashley, Noor, Dave , Affan and Heather. Heather’s also not nearby¹ but she definitely falls under the category of great friend.
• There is one more friend but I’m not sure I should be writing about that person so I’m going to leave this a mystery and you can just take my word for it that the gratitude is there.
• A job where I am inspired every day to do my best and be accepted for who I am² Colleagues and employers who are so different in many ways but have a mutual propensity for quality.
• Re-discovering a mode of transportation that helps me keep my great ass³ in shape and makes me feel so free.

Wow, what dorks.

One of the best vacations of life.

Some friends are friends for life.

Why are my legs so white? Oh right, I don’t know how to buy stockings… Noor! Teach me?

Footnotes:

1. she’s in Ottawa[↩]
2. “quirks” and all [↩]
3. guess I’m grateful for that too[↩]
4. that shit ain’t easy yo[↩]

I’ve experienced rejection. In fact, I’d like to say I experience rejection on a daily basis because I ask for things even if I’m afraid to ask for them¹. But this one rejection has shaken me to my core… and I can’t figure out why.

Logic would tell me that based on his actions that contradict the words he used means that he isn’t the person I thought he was and should be written off. But another line of logic tells me that the person I thought he was would have a reasonable explanation for his actions². And so I get stuck in this loop.

If he was the good person that I thought he was: the person who would only do something because he thinks it is the most respectful way of treating me then that means I am not a worthy person. But I know that I am a worthy person. That means that he isn’t the good person that I thought he was. And I don’t like writing people off that easily. I think it’s rude. I don’t think he has done anything to intentionally hurt me and so it doesn’t warrant my being rude.

But continuing to believe that he is as good a person as I thought he was hurts me on a level I have no experience with. I’m dealing with it but it’s going to take a lot of time. Time that I feel I could have saved if he had respected me in the first place and just told me the truth: either he never wanted to be friends or he just can’t handle being friends with me right now. If he did tell me the latter, I didn’t understand him clearly enough. But I’m not going to reach out again so I’ll never know.

There is so much more going on that I want to write about but I’ve run out of time. I’m off to see 50/50 with the lovely Ashley Gibson.

Oh but quickly before I go: Thank you so much to the smoking hot Raymi for the shout-out on her blog. I feel like I’m on fire

Also, did you know that I love Christine Estima <3

Footnotes:

1. to some of you this will come as a complete shock because to you it won’t appear like I ask for much at all but believe me that I do[↩]
2. or lack thereof[↩]