fragileheart's journal

It has been a journey to say the least. The last few months have been a wonderful whirlwind of ups, downs and important lessons and realizations. I think the one lesson that I didn’t expect to learn after all this is that despite being able to adapt to my surroundings extremely well -how much my bearings are affected if I don’t have a proper place to sleep.

For the last three months I have been sleeping on my Ikea love-seat because I couldn’t sleep on my bed¹ until three nights ago. Depending on what way you look at it, you could say it cost me a lot but I don’t think placing blame on circumstance does me any good so it just is what it was: a learning experience. Heck, it didn’t kill me right?

30 years. As of some time in the late evening on November 7th, the cells and whatever spirit that make up this girl right here would have been alive for 30 years. I’ll admit there is a part of me that feels like a bit of a disappointment but then there’s another part of me that knows that my life is only just beginning so long as I allow myself the chance at said beginning.

Live each day as if it were your last. Someone great said that to me recently as we were walking the 6.5kms to my new home² at 4am. By the way, don’t let the knowledge of this act taint your image of bohunkCA; he was the perfect jerk as always – and yes ladies, he was totally topless the whole way there

I want to make an art out of living life, where I find joy in every little moment of every day – regardless of what is going on at the time. Growing up, I had never really paid much attention to the things that really made my heart soar. I knew the obvious things like music³, food, love, and sex… all those self-indulgent sort of things. But now I’m paying more attention to how happy it makes me to be around people like my family and closest friends⁴.

I know I have lot of work to do up ahead of me but I do think I am up to the task. It feels strange to say that I have never really felt this ready before but I guess I’m just done being afraid. I’m still in the process of getting my life back but I have no doubt that whatever is coming next is going to be amazing. It’s been amazing even when it should have been horrible so how could it not?!

I want to know though: did you love or hate turning 30?

Footnotes:

1. I really don’t want to say it, don’t make me say it: I had bed bugs[↩]
2. it was so old school I couldn’t resist but agree to walk home with him[↩]
3. specifically singing[↩]
4. the ones who have stuck by me no matter what fucked up shit I’ve done – you know who you are[↩]

The above is a cute movie I found when I went on flickr and searched for the tag “Hope”.

I am almost 30 years old and I never thought I was one of those people who let the numbers of their age affect their outlook on life but I suppose that’s one of the last¹ naive sort of things that you think when you simply haven’t realised any better yet.

Some people who may be reading this and know exactly what I’m talking about will nod in understanding and some who haven’t experienced this² will be confused and for that I apologise because I’m not going to elaborate on this right now.

What I want to talk about is dating; more specifically: sex and dating. Why is it SO difficult for us to be honest about what we want? Why is it so difficult for us to be more open-minded when we finally hear the truth from someone?

My heart hurts right now because some very dear friends of mine have gotten hurt recently; regardless of whether the hurter³ intended to be dismissive of the hurtee’s⁴ feelings or not – a sudden change that causes the hurt doesn’t make the hurting any easier to deal with.

Almost two months ago, I decided that I was done with the lifestyle that I had been keeping: casual, distant and unattached⁵; I decided I wanted to try being in a serious relationship again. I guess in a way, I decided that enough time had passed since I broke someone’s heart and that my heart had been tricked by someone else. I thought I was ready.

Naturally my focus shifted to other things a little more: exercise, eating right, work, my passions, friends, family… and I haven’t really been dating. And the recent news of my friends getting hurt has made me realise just how much I have been hoping⁶ that this date that I have tonight is somehow going to be the one I’ve been waiting for.

What a dork. That certainly snapped me out of that! However, it also got me thinking about my past relationships and the hurt I’ve experienced in the past. I wondered why it is that I’ve been able to keep hope in love. I don’t have an answer yet. But I did want to ask everyone out there…

Do you still believe in love?

Footnotes:

1. perhaps?[↩]
2. regardless of what age you may be[↩]
3. let’s pretend that’s a real word[↩]
4. again with the pretending[↩]
5. yet somehow never really alone[↩]
6. despite convincing myself that I wasn’t hoping[↩]

Someone asked me recently whether I would consider changing my name from fragileheart, because he thought I was a pretty strong person. I argued that I could never do that because I am so fond of and attached to the name that I enjoy it when people call me fragile instead of my real name¹.

My heart has been through a lot; I have put my heart through a lot. It’s a risk you take by wearing your heart on your sleeve and refusing to fall in love in any other fashion other than all-the-way. I have had a lot of amazing relationships and experiences because of it and I wouldn’t change a single thing. You would think that with all this ‘experience’ that my heart would no longer be fragile but the truth is, it is.

It isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to show my feelings, it isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to let it break. It’s fragile because I don’t think I have anything to offer when I’m in a relationship. I don’t know why. I have never tried to figure it out. I’ve been too busy jumping from one relationship to the next. Maybe it’s about time I start. Maybe then I can stop jerking people around, and actually give the next relationship a shot.

It’s been hard to write here in the last little while because this blog is tied to twitter and I have been immersed into the Toronto twitter community and some people might get hurt by what I want to write about. It sucks but such is life. At least nowadays I know that people read the blog. Seven years ago I was oblivious² and I hurt people by writing about what I wanted to write about and ended up having to shut down the blog to appease my then boyfriend.

It’s sacrifices like that that make me wonder whether I am too nice or I’m too nice because I don’t think I have anything to offer. I wish there were more time in a day to therapeutically go through all the thoughts that enter my head. I have so much work to do in a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve always had a lot of fight in me but every now and then, I want to quit before I even get into the ring³.

But for now, I’m going to have to mend this slightly bruised fragile heart of mine and I plan to do with a lot of dancing and physical activity⁴. Who’s in?

Footnotes:

1. though I wouldn’t want people to only call me fragile either[↩]
2. I didn’t promote the blog[↩]
3. by quit I mean take a nap, you know, nothing permanent[↩]
4. that does not include sex[↩]

I have always maintained that everyone deserves love¹ but I am suddenly finding myself leaning towards the cynical side of life philosophy these days. It’s unnerving but also difficult to shake. I’ve had a lot of bad shit happen to me² but I have always been able to bounce back into hope. Hope that things will always get better; hope that things always work out for a reason; hope that if you want something bad enough you’ll get it; hope that everyone deserves the best³.

Cynics⁴ would call me naive in thinking all that but all the ‘pain’ I’ve experienced in my life has been accompanied by amazing life lessons, experiences and memories that I would not trade for anything -no, not even a happy ending. Why? Because who’s to say what happy ending that would have been, and who’s to say it would have actually lasted? I almost had my so-called happy ending, at least according to some, but it didn’t happen because it wasn’t right for me.

Hope would have me believe that the reason it didn’t happen was precisely because it wasn’t right for me; this other side that is creeping into my life philosophy is telling me that I wouldn’t know because it didn’t happen -except that I do know. And so the battle goes. This weekend I witnessed⁵ some ridiculous behaviour by people. I say people because women are every bit as guilty of bullshit as women are. Yes, I include myself in this. It’s because we don’t know what we want; and if we do know what we want there’s no guarantee that what we want will remain the same for any given length of time.

And to top it off for the most part we are ashamed to admit that we don’t know what we want. Maybe we’re not ashamed; maybe we’re unsure of how to express it; maybe we’re unsure of how it will be received; maybe we don’t even realize that we’re doing someone else’s head in; maybe, maybe, maybe… whatever the reason the truth is that when it comes to emotions and/or sexuality⁶ our brains don’t function quite the same.

Going back to said bullshit, I should probably elaborate for curiousity’s sake but that’s just not how this goes so you’ll have to take my word for it and understand that the main thing is that there was disrespect displayed⁷ displayed in several unrelated scenarios that has compounded and made me question my entire belief system. Maybe I’m speaking too soon⁸ but if this keeps up I may just become a cynic.

I want to try. I want to be stronger than that; I don’t want to give in to the dark side but right now I just don’t think I have enough fight left in me.

I don’t have any questions today⁹.

Footnotes:

1. don’t worry I still do – mostly[↩]
2. once again I say: hence the name fragileheart[↩]
3. and gets it[↩]
4. they call themselves realistic; side note part two: I’m starting to believe them[↩]
5. and unfortunately was party to[↩]
6. as much as we try to convince ourselves, these are not mutually exclusive – try to argue with me all you want you ain’t convincing this chickidee[↩]
7. and that I am, regrettably, not innocent[↩]
8. and heavens-to-Betsy I freakin’ hope so[↩]
9. at least not ones I care to ask here[↩]

Sure, we can be nice to everybody¹ but we can’t be best friends with everybody. At the very least we can’t force being best friends with anyone. Being best friends with someone is something that needs to happen organically² and it has to happen simultaneously for both parties otherwise it’s just creepy for one.

When you meet someone for the first time and you have an instant crush³ on someone and the crush is mutual, it is easy to talk⁴ with each other constantly with gusto. As time passes, you both meet new people and the same crush-like feelings arise and sometimes the feelings for prior crushes can fade away into a more subdued fondness or they can persist⁵. It can be based on something the other person has done, or something you have done or something neither of you had any control over whatsoever.

Whatever the reason for the change, it’s inevitable – we’re human, we have emotions⁶ and they affect our lives⁷. Now, if we were talking about romantic feelings it would be easier⁸ to say, “I’m sorry I don’t think that we’re going to work out” but for some reason the same can’t be used for friendship. We expect everyone to be our friend.

I noticed this even when I was living in Dubai; someone would want to be my friend but for some reason or another, the pull wasn’t as strong for me. Sometimes it was because I already had friends who would take up my time and so getting back to that person was always put on the back burner. And that’s it isn’t it? When the desire isn’t there to get back to someone – is that really something you can control⁹? Having said that, I try my best to get back to everybody – because it’s just disrespectful not to¹⁰ but sometimes… ugh¹¹.

There is this person¹² who I have known since I was some age I can’t even fathom anymore. We used to have daily, marathon conversations on the phone despite having spent all day together with our group of friends at school. The turning point for me will sound trivial, and it even sounds trivial to me now but the fact of the matter is she lost my trust with this behaviour and it has never been the same for me since.

It was about a boy. A shady boy who basically asked each of us out¹³ one after the other. Sure, at the time I had a problem with the fact that she said yes at all but I got over that. What still irks me is that she didn’t talk to me about it. I was still contemplating my answer to him when he asked her out, and without talking to me she said yes. Turns out he broke her heart¹⁴.

After all these years of knowing her¹⁵ I still don’t really know why she has such a problem with having a heartfelt conversation. I don’t know if it’s a fear of confrontation¹⁶ or I don’t know. I say I don’t know because the other option in my head is that she’s not that bright¹⁷ but maybe despite not wanting to be her friend, I still don’t want to think of her that way. It’s not really that important to me anyway as to why she won’t just ask me if anything is wrong.

I have been ignoring her emails, facebook messages and texts to me for a year now. I would say I have solidly ignored them except that every now and then I reply with ‘Sorry, I’m working’ when she invites me out somewhere¹⁸. And yet she continues to send me messages, pretending like nothing is wrong ; fassuming¹⁹ that I simply didn’t get the message because heaven forbid she did something wrong and I might be mad at her.

Except that now, I’m no longer mad. I just don’ t want to hang out. I don’t want to be her friend. I don’t hate her or her husband but I also don’t want to hang out for the sake of the number of years we’ve known each other. I have a hundred other friends who I have known for that long but they don’t try to perpetuate a ‘friendship’ just because of the length of time we have known of each other’s existence.

I don’t think they read this blog or I wouldn’t even be writing here. I realise that there is a chance and I’m taking that risk and if they do read this then this is a very passive aggressive move²⁰ but at this point, it’s just the move I want to make.

How do you say, “Thanks but no thanks?” to friendship?

Footnotes:

1. well, I like being nice to everybody[↩]
2. for lack of a better word; I seem to be using this word a lot lately and it doesn’t quite sit well but I can’t think of an alternative right now[↩]
3. this is not limited to romantic crushes[↩]
4. or tweet, as the case may be[↩]
5. or grow stronger[↩]
6. sorry to those who think you’re immune[↩]
7. some more than others[↩]
8. bear with me here[↩]
9. Sure, the actual *action* you can control, but you can’t control the desire and desire is a powerful thing yo[↩]
10. IMHO[↩]
11. like when someone continually tries to make jokes with you that contain sexual innuendo even though you’ve asked them repeatedly to stop[↩]
12. she used to be a friend[↩]
13. through a mutual friend, we’re talking Dubai in the 90’s here[↩]
14. feel bad for her, I did but it doesn’t help me trust her[↩]
15. Like double digit years[↩]
16. highly likely[↩]
17. at least when it comes to people?[↩]
18. I wasn’t lying either, I had to work some Saturdays during my last job[↩]
19. fake assuming, because again I really don’t think she’s that dumb[↩]
20. but apparently, this is how I roll – I try not to, it’s a work in progress[↩]