fragileheart's journal

I’ve experienced rejection. In fact, I’d like to say I experience rejection on a daily basis because I ask for things even if I’m afraid to ask for them¹. But this one rejection has shaken me to my core… and I can’t figure out why.

Logic would tell me that based on his actions that contradict the words he used means that he isn’t the person I thought he was and should be written off. But another line of logic tells me that the person I thought he was would have a reasonable explanation for his actions². And so I get stuck in this loop.

If he was the good person that I thought he was: the person who would only do something because he thinks it is the most respectful way of treating me then that means I am not a worthy person. But I know that I am a worthy person. That means that he isn’t the good person that I thought he was. And I don’t like writing people off that easily. I think it’s rude. I don’t think he has done anything to intentionally hurt me and so it doesn’t warrant my being rude.

But continuing to believe that he is as good a person as I thought he was hurts me on a level I have no experience with. I’m dealing with it but it’s going to take a lot of time. Time that I feel I could have saved if he had respected me in the first place and just told me the truth: either he never wanted to be friends or he just can’t handle being friends with me right now. If he did tell me the latter, I didn’t understand him clearly enough. But I’m not going to reach out again so I’ll never know.

There is so much more going on that I want to write about but I’ve run out of time. I’m off to see 50/50 with the lovely Ashley Gibson.

Oh but quickly before I go: Thank you so much to the smoking hot Raymi for the shout-out on her blog. I feel like I’m on fire

Also, did you know that I love Christine Estima <3

Footnotes:

1. to some of you this will come as a complete shock because to you it won’t appear like I ask for much at all but believe me that I do[↩]
2. or lack thereof[↩]

Someone asked me recently whether I would consider changing my name from fragileheart, because he thought I was a pretty strong person. I argued that I could never do that because I am so fond of and attached to the name that I enjoy it when people call me fragile instead of my real name¹.

My heart has been through a lot; I have put my heart through a lot. It’s a risk you take by wearing your heart on your sleeve and refusing to fall in love in any other fashion other than all-the-way. I have had a lot of amazing relationships and experiences because of it and I wouldn’t change a single thing. You would think that with all this ‘experience’ that my heart would no longer be fragile but the truth is, it is.

It isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to show my feelings, it isn’t fragile because I’m afraid to let it break. It’s fragile because I don’t think I have anything to offer when I’m in a relationship. I don’t know why. I have never tried to figure it out. I’ve been too busy jumping from one relationship to the next. Maybe it’s about time I start. Maybe then I can stop jerking people around, and actually give the next relationship a shot.

It’s been hard to write here in the last little while because this blog is tied to twitter and I have been immersed into the Toronto twitter community and some people might get hurt by what I want to write about. It sucks but such is life. At least nowadays I know that people read the blog. Seven years ago I was oblivious² and I hurt people by writing about what I wanted to write about and ended up having to shut down the blog to appease my then boyfriend.

It’s sacrifices like that that make me wonder whether I am too nice or I’m too nice because I don’t think I have anything to offer. I wish there were more time in a day to therapeutically go through all the thoughts that enter my head. I have so much work to do in a lot of aspects of my life. I’ve always had a lot of fight in me but every now and then, I want to quit before I even get into the ring³.

But for now, I’m going to have to mend this slightly bruised fragile heart of mine and I plan to do with a lot of dancing and physical activity⁴. Who’s in?

Footnotes:

1. though I wouldn’t want people to only call me fragile either[↩]
2. I didn’t promote the blog[↩]
3. by quit I mean take a nap, you know, nothing permanent[↩]
4. that does not include sex[↩]

It’s funny how you can form a bond with some people in a nano-second. Suddenly, there is this understanding; unspoken and raw. I met Christine Estima in March of this year when a dear mutual friend hosted an Oscar party. In all honesty, I was a little scared. She was animated, loud and also live-tweeting the show. I had seen it done but never in person. It was interesting to say the least¹. But despite that, there was something about her that drew me in; I’m certain it had something to do with mirrors in her eyes looking back at me. Over the last few months, we have shared many talks about many things² and today I got to witness her brilliant mind in action³.

We sat in the Rearview Mirror in Kensington waiting for the actors, script in hand, to start the reading of The Spadina Monologues. It was fitting that it was raining outside as the director broke the almost-silence with the opening lines. Over two dozen people came out to show their support and you could feel the love in the room. As I sat and listened to the banter that was difficult to separate from a conversation I imagine Christine to have with herself I couldn’t help but think about some of my own experiences.

These thoughts were further fueled by later conversation with vlogging superstar Sean Ward as we shot the shit after the show. I wish it were easier to explain how some people just feel comfortable, and some don’t. This lack of comfort doesn’t make either party any less of a person. But somehow it’s hard to express this to someone. It’s hard to say and it is hard to have someone say to you that they aren’t comfortable conversing with you. Beyond conversation, some people are just easy to be around -whether you spend most of the time in silence, simply enjoying their⁴ aura.

As the perfect example, some people have described me as being brash, blunt or curt⁵ while others have described me as being warm, caring and charming. I’m certain I’m all those things depending on the situation and those surrounding me. I don’t try extra hard to be anything⁶ but some people can bring out the worst in you. Some people bring out the best in you too. But don’t ever forget that it is a two way street -sometimes you can bring the worst out in someone, and sometimes you can bring out the best in someone. It doesn’t make you a bad person; just incompatible with that other person.

Having said all that, there are some people who are just evil -they do not fall under the category of person of which I have just written about. I may or may not write about them in the future.

Do I have a suggestion to fix this? Not yet. Maybe one day though. Maybe one day.

Footnotes:

1. Oh how different my view is now[↩]
2. yes, mostly mencapades[↩]
3. so to speak[↩]
4. for lack of a better word[↩]
5. no, that doesn’t say cunt though that word has sadly been used on me too[↩]
6. other than positive[↩]

I should be jogging but I’m feeling extremely reflective this Sunday Morning so I’m doing something I haven’t done in a long time – blogging! Life has taken on a wonderful turn. I’m living the perfect single life right now and I couldn’t be happier. I just checked with myself and I am not even as lonely as I thought I would be. The truth is, I have people. I may not have a person, but I have people who fulfill that one person in their various ways.

Don’t get me wrong, it still feels like something is missing but I think that it’s good for me to continue being single for a while, even though I decided to start dating again. I like having one person to turn to whenever I need some sympathy but with Twitter around, I have that one person. Except that one person is actually in the hundreds¹. Add to that real-life meetings² and what more could a girl really ask for? Oh right,³ satisfaction – not to worry, I have that covered too.

Then there are those sort of activities that you would normally only experience with a significant other; partially because of the chemistry between male & female whilst they execute these activities⁴ like going out to nice dinners and making delicious, gourmet dinners together and enjoying lots and lots of wine. I can enjoy these things, knowing that these people are not expecting sex from me. Do you have any idea how wonderful it feels to hang out with guys and feel that they love you and yet know that they’re not going to try to sleep with you? It feel fan-freakin’-tastically amazing.

Every since I hit puberty, all the boys want to talk to me and they stare and they call and whatever. But in all honesty, they can all go fuck themselves because they rarely actually care or cared about me as a person. Naturally, I envied ‘the cute’ one in the group because the boys who liked them did so because they were interested in hanging out with them and having a real relationship with them. When I was younger, I was insecure and I gave in to their wants to try to get them to like me, and hopefully get to know me. Ask me if that worked out, eff no. ‘The cute’ one in the group would tell me to shut up because at least I could get laid and all the boys wanted to do was spend time with them… I didn’t even know what to say to that so I just stared with my mouth a-gape.

So I might as well spell it out. If you’re thinking about it… You are SOL⁵ unless you and I become best friends first and I’m still attracted to you after that; because this shop is on fort knox mode, permanentemente.

Footnotes:

1. no, not in age you doof[↩]
2. aka Tweetups[↩]
3. sexual[↩]
4. get your mind out of the gutter, I’m not talking about sex – we just covered that[↩]
5. “shit out of luck” for those of you who needed that[↩]

I want to write but…

I don’t want to write about work.

I don’t have much to say about choir or any other activities.

Everytime I sit down at the computer at home, I get really sleepy.

The one thing that is pulling at my heart’s strings right now is something I am so sick and tired of writing about. So I’m hiding.