fragileheart's journal

Will I ever love again? It’s a question that has been on my mind for a while now. It’s the question that led me to go on my mancation¹.

The honest answer right now is: I simply don’t know.

I find myself avoiding thinking about things that have happened². It’s unlike me. The moniker fragileheart wasn’t coined because I wanted people to walk on eggshells with me. It’s supposed to remind me that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I like to feel things because it makes me feel alive. Finding myself running away from memories that make me smile is a little unnerving.

I don’t think I know how to be in a relationship. It’s been so long since I’ve been in a real relationship that I don’t know that I’ll ever manage to maintain one again. My last real, meaningful, mutually respectful relationship ended in 2004. Everything else after that I consider a mess. Yes, even my relationship with the Irish boy³.

Then again, I’ve gotten better at maintaining deeper and more meaningful friendships and I think that every good relationship is built on a solid foundation of friendship so maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Oh whatever. Maybe you⁴ were right; what was it that you said, sir? Something along the lines of, “You’d make a great mistress [but not a wife]“. And yes, I still think about it to this day.

Sometimes, you just need to blog things out loud.

Footnotes:

1. vacation from men, and more importantly – meaningless sex[↩]
2. like NYE[↩]
3. that was probably the biggest mess[↩]
4. I don’t even know if you read my blog[↩]

As yet another year is coming to a close¹ and the countdowns are starting to rise² I was trying to figure out what I wanted to write about. As I have been doing for the last six months of life. I’ve been through so much in the last little while that I don’t even know where to begin. Everytime I go for a run I think of about a dozen blog posts that I would love to write about once I sit in front of my computer and start typing; I lose my conviction about three-quarters of the way through.

I know exactly why and yet I can not for the life of me figure out how to fix it; other than in fact: fixing the problems that I want to write about. In some way this change is for the better: I no longer simply complain about my problems, I actually do something about it. Not so good for the life of this journal, but great for me on a larger scale³.

Ryan Nus, friend and fellow blogger⁴ indirectly wrote about my problem really well in his latest blog post titled, Resolve to be Fearless. There are a lot of reasons I’ve been afraid to say what I want to say and I may never finish and publish those blog posts but I’m okay with it. Partially because a lot of what would have been relevant in the writing is in the past and who likes digging that up for no good reason?

I’m not making any further resolutions this year. I’ve taken a mancation⁵ and it has helped me really evaluate what it is I want out of a partner. I’ve had time to figure out what I want out of my career. There are no quick ways of getting either but I don’t care. I have faith that things will work out the way I want it to. Not only because I have back-up plans/dreams but because I don’t feel like I have anything to lose – and when you feel like you’ve got nothing to lose, you’re not going to stop until you get what you want. Right, Ryan?

What are you thinking about as 2011 comes to a close? What are you looking forward to the most in 2012?

Footnotes:

1. it’s getting old at this point, to be honest[↩]
2. bad pun completely intended[↩]
3. or is it?[↩]
4. much more prolific than I have been of late[↩]
5. a vacation from men[↩]

Disclaimer: I’m neither of these things, I’m poor and broke

There is something about wishing someone well that lifts up my soul. This Christmas when I find myself with not much else to offer I started sending some verbal and written love to people and I found myself smiling all the same as if I had been able to give everyone presents like I would have wanted to.

I hope you have all had a wonderful Holiday season and continue to have a happy whatever-holiday-you’re-celebrating. I am with family and am having a happy Christmas¹.

Merry Christmas!
Happy Hannukkah!
Happy Holidays!

Just be happy, hokay? LOVE!

Footnotes:

1. and proof that you can be happy without a job nor a boyfriend[↩]

This year could have gone much worse than it did but I’m not going to lie and say that I never once thought to myself, “This sucks”. I’m human, of course I thought that. But maybe I was taking things for granted even when I thought I wasn’t.

Two years ago, after my five year relationship with a man I thought was ‘my one’ ended, I signed up for a consumer proposal. A consumer proposal is when you sk your creditors (through a Trustee) to waive a percentage of your debt. My debt wasn’t large¹ but I was fed up of the cycle of paying my minimum balance only to need to use the credit I had just earned for things that I thought I needed. When you’re in a consumer proposal your credit rating is reduced to the same as it would be if you had declared bankruptcy². After the 5 years are up, your credit rating rises two points³ during which you can apply for credit cards and slowly build your credit rating back up.

And so for the last two years I’ve been living without a credit card and it has been a fantastic⁴ and educational⁵ ride. But even though I’ve experienced small bouts of unemployment in the last year and a half, I’m so grateful that I signed up for the program. My bills are far lower than they would have been had I kept the credit cards⁶.

Even though my family and I haven’t been able to get wrapped up⁷ in the craziness of the season: buying gifts, hiding it from each other, wrapping it on the DL (you get the gist), I find myself looking forward to spending Christmas & Eve with them – probably playing board games and listening to Christmas music⁸.

Sure it would have been nice to drive down to Chicago to meet up with our family friends who will be down there, but spending time at home will be just as nice. I just think it’d be even nicer if it were all white outside when we do. So I’m dreaming of a white Christmas⁹…

Are you?

Footnotes:

1. it was under $20k[↩]
2. An R9[↩]
3. to an R7[↩]
4. not[↩]
5. def[↩]
6. only because I probably wouldn’t have been able to keep my balance low enough so as not to have such high monthly minimum payments[↩]
7. no pun intended[↩]
8. or maybe, hopefully ice skating in Nathan Philips Square[↩]
9. and no, I don’t even care about the presents. I just want your presence[↩]

Thanks to The Grid, I scored passes to the pre-screening for The Muppets movie that came out on November 23rd. Thank goodness this is a personal blog or I would be worried about writing this ‘review’ after everyone else has ;P

I have to be honest: I didn’t know what to expect from a Muppets movie. I’ll also admit that I did forget about them – even though I used to watch them when I was a kid. I’m sure they were entertaining or I wouldn’t have been glued to the Television but the show was 30 minutes long. The movie was going to be longer than 30 minutes and I was a little worried about getting bored… but I was the farthest thing from it.

Nope, this was not from the movie. She’s just my favourite.

In fact, the movie had everything I loved about the Muppets and that I look for in a movie: singing, dancing, laughing, romance, bad jokes and one more thing that I won’t list so as not to give anything away. I especially enjoyed that the characters in the movie knew that they were in a movie and the jokes that were made as a result of that knowledge.

Now, it may have been because I have been in a particularly sad mood that Thursday but I was tearing up and then laughing throughout the whole movie – I can’t wait to watch it again and again. I also loved all the celebrity cameos. I make a habit out of reading anything about a movie because I prefer to formulate my own opinions on whether or not to see it and what I actually think of it when I do finally get to see it and this is a movie that definitely requires that kind of restraint. There was one celebrity that the audience collectively and audibly agreed on – but I’m not about to name names

All in all, the movie did exactly what I hoped it would do: make me feel like a kid again¹.

Have you seen the Muppets yet? Will you? 

Footnotes:

1. as if that’s really that hard to do[↩]