fragileheart's journal

You know, it has been one heck of a wild ride. I would be more specific but I am not sure I can see when said ride began anymore -it was that long of a ride¹!

Two years ago a very big chapter of my life ended. I wasn’t sure what to expect and I’m not so sure that the last two years is something I could have predicted. What it comes down to is that I know I’m ready to try my hand at a monogamous relationship again. As a bonus I’m also now in a headspace where I don’t feel an urgent need to find it².

The last guy³, was unexpectedly spectacular but in retrospect he had many personality traits that I was overlooking. I get why his gut feeling was telling him that we weren’t that compatible; to be honest I think he would have driven me crazier than he already did in the oh-so-brief-but-freaking-intense romance that we shared. It still stings a little to think about so I know I’m not ready to have him in my life just yet… I just hope that I actually can one day⁴.

Then there is the other one. The one who really shook me up two years ago; wanting to make friends… wanting to re-connect. I don’t think I’m ready and to be completely honest, I’m not so sure I will ever be. Yes, I am the type of person who can forgive and forget anything but there is a certain comfort level that I need to have with the people I keep close to me ((What I’m trying not to say is that I simply need to be able to trust a person and I don’t think I can ever trust him again)).

Sigh. Boys⁵. I don’t even know what to say sometimes. Do you ever stop to think about what you’re saying to us women? I mean, if you were a father and some boy were saying the same things to your daughter -how would you feel? Enraged, I’m sure. Yet you don’t have a problem saying it to a girl you barely know or talk to? JUST because she’s nice and open minded? I’m pretty sure that is balls.

And I’m apartment hunting again. I really hope this is the last time for at least 2 years. After that I’m hoping any move I make is either to another city or… space?

Making the effort to talk to my parents daily and/or see them more often seems to be helping things despite my obliviousness to the fact that said things needed help.

I need more time to think… but I should also get some sleep. Meep.

Footnotes:

1. Don’t get excited, I’m not about to tell you either…[↩]
2. at least not anymore… though I can’t quite explain why so I’m tempted to think that I’m in denial about it but only time will tell[↩]
3. who some of you know about[↩]
4. and hopefully soon[↩]
5. You can’t tell but I had to close my eyes and breathe for 15 seconds before I could continue writing[↩]

Sixteen half-written drafts
Sit, patiently, awaiting completion.
They’re far more patient
Than I; shift, move, fuss
It’s all I seem to do these days.
“Writer’s block” understates
For I have plenty to say
If only my dear friends:
Courage and conviction
Would rear their heads
And help me make this bed.

Switching over to my blog for this because it’s going to be long¹. This past week was one difficult week. I didn’t intend to skip every single day. I didn’t even mean to skip a single day and there were certainly things that made me smile each and every day – despite the strife and the turmoil and whatever else you’re supposed to feel when something unexpected and undesired happens. And instead of bombing this blog with too many posts in one day I thought I would pick three things I am grateful for from the entire week and give you a little more depth as to why:

1) Canadian Music Festival. I’ve already touched on this briefly but I needed to talk about it again. Sure it meant losing sleep and time to do things like tidy up my apartment but it always means meeting some great people and discovering great new music.

2) My colleagues. I am blessed² to work with some of the most hard-working, inspiring, talented, understanding, caring and funny people I know.

3) Meeting wonderful new people. People like the lovely duo of Domestic Crisis Group, The Darling Demaes, Smokekiller and Jared from All of the Above³.

There’s a lot going on in my life; a lot going on in my head and way too much going on in my heart. I feel like I’m going to explode at some point in the very near future. Here’s hoping I’m filled with candy.

What are you grateful for?

Footnotes:

1. and it’s going to get posted to tumblr anyway[↩]
2. so very blessed[↩]
3. among many others[↩]

I am an impulse shopper¹. I am the sort of person who advertising works on. But as I was walking around Kensignton Market yesterday, I managed to turn down a cheap pair of shoes even though I have been looking for that particular colour and style for quite some time. Having to turn down shoes is no tragedy in the grand scheme of life; of the universe. But it says a lot about my own personal growth.

If you asked my then boyfriend, Bradley², he would tell you that I was the worst. Of course, when we were dating I was still living at my parents house³ and I was horrendous for coming home with a new not-so-necessary purchase. Even if you asked my most recent ex, Dexter⁴, he would probably tell you the same thing. But do me a favour and don’t ask either of them because if you asked either of them anything about me they might just go on a rant. But if you really want to hear the other side, go ahead if you can figure out who they really are⁵.

Getting back on track, I’m fascinated by how much I’ve changed and how I can understand why some people from my past could have taken a dislike to me. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to dislike me – I mean you can’t please everyone – but I had never done anything to these people. But if there’s one thing I’m learning from interacting with people from so many walks of life on twitter is that when someone dislikes you despite the fact that you have never done anything to harm them, it is usually more about them than it is about you. So the best thing you could do is respect their wishes and stay away.

Of course, it’s unfortunate when the person who takes a dislike to you is actually someone you really like and wish so-hardcore that they would like you back. It would be so easy to return the hate but we all know that your hatred is coming from bitterness; from a place near, if not of vengeance. So let it go. Let it go and know that if someone is going to disregard you because of something you said or did without talking to you about it, like an adult; without trying to understand your side of the story – then you are better off without them.

I think one of the things about being single for this long⁶ that I have to look at as being a silver lining is that I am really getting to analyse⁷ all the things about my exes that made me unhappy. In turn of course, I am realising all the things about those relationships that I loved. I know that this is probably the point of staying single but I had never done it before. As someone coined me recently, I was a serial relationship-ist⁸.

But I am realising that I shouldn’t have been in half of those relationships⁹. Now that I have this time to reflect without the distraction of another infatuation or love-interest, it appears I may have been on the rebound from Franz¹⁰. I am no therapist or psychologist but I seem to have good instincts and they are telling me this. What if the reason I have always been so quick to fall in love is because I have done nothing but try to recreate what I had with Franz? And after 15 years of trying and failing, I just ‘lost the plot’¹¹ and ended up needing to cheat? Alternatively, the thought that I am just not capable of being in a monogamous relationship also crosses my mind but I think I should save those thoughts for another blog post.

What if. Whatevs. I don’t regret. Everything happens for a reason – even actions/reactions of mine that make me feel like a right asshole can have a good outcome so long as you make it right.

Patience. It’s a hard lesson to learn but I am learning it. I have faith that it will pay off because the way I have been living my life prior to this¹² hasn’t paid off thus far.

I have been pretty bad with questions of late, but please feel free to share any stories you may have.

Footnotes:

1. to say the least[↩]
2. name has been changed to protect the innocent[↩]
3. we both were actually; me with mine, he with his[↩]
4. name has so been changed; yes this is the Irish guy[↩]
5. ha![↩]
6. without even so much as a serious crush[↩]
7. maybe over analyse?[↩]
8. Though I don’t think those are the actual words he used[↩]
9. Not that I don’t treasure the experience of each one, because I do[↩]
10. my first love, this is also not his real name[↩]
11. for lack of a better phrase[↩]
12. i.e. without patience[↩]

Balancing is tough. It’s tough to find a balance between work and life. It’s tough to find a balance between time you spend with friends versus family versus your significant other. It’s tough to find a balance between downtime and time spent being social. I haven’t spent a lot of time by myself since I moved out of my parents place last summer¹. And in fact, I’m pretty sure I had not spent a lot of time by myself since I came back from living in Dublin.

I haven’t had much time to sit down and figure out why that is², which means I haven’t really had time to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I finally went camping this year and the photo above was taken on our last morning at Silent Lake;  I was disappointed with camping for so many reasons³, but the most important was that I did not get to spend time with nature⁴ as I so long to do right now.

I write. I like to write anyway, but a lot of my writing requires the quiet of birds chirping or only the wind whisper-howling through the rustle of leaves. But it’s difficult to get in that mindset when I barely have time to put away laundry. But I have no plans on stopping the way life has been pushing me to live; no, I’m determined to live life this way and still find my writing mind with less down time.

After all, what good would I be if I needed to hole myself out in the woods every time I wanted to write something heartfelt? I haven’t shared my poetry on the blog since I removed it from my portfolio⁵ but I’m thinking maybe enough time has passed that I can do that again⁶. I shall keep trying to find a way to have balance in my life, and if I should discover some secret to it – I promise to tell you.

How you find balance in your life?

Footnotes:

1. and I really kind of miss it[↩]
2. it’s a cycle[↩]
3. we didn’t rough it as much as I was hoping to[↩]
4. and myself; my thoughts[↩]
5. which used to be listed on this main domain[↩]
6. not right now of course, soon…[↩]